May Day

Today is the day I had my 2 miscarriages; each one year apart. May 1, 2003 and May 1, 2004. It's 'May Day' for real at my house. So this year I'm experiencing many different emotions. Something I never expected to feel is relief. Wow. Relief that I had miscarriages? Could I be feeling that? I just can't imagine going through 9 months, delivering, holding, loving, kissing, touching, saying goodbye. Grief is grief, indeed...but some kinds are preferable. That is a lesson I've just learned. I've experienced the depression and loneliness and never seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But I don't have faces to remember. I don't have smells to recall. I also feel guilt over my grief. I have friends who have experienced a grief far greater than mine. I feel guilt for my relief. Matthew still occasionally asks about the 'baby that died in Mommy's belly'. He doesn't know about the 2nd one. We were smarter and didn't even tell him I was pregnant that time. Max is such a blessing, God's angel come to be my baby. I will never take my kids for granted. God help me to remember this when Max has spilled his drink all over the floor, or when he's broken something for the 12th time in a day, or when Matthew will not listen to me.